Advent

My childhood met Christmas with delicious excitement, a candlelight service and a short night of sleep. I rose before dawn and snuck down to see the Christmas tree and what seemed like thousands and thousands of presents.

At some point, and I am not sure exactly where, the superficial joy of Christmas morning faded, and I began to savor the richness of Advent more. I starting finding solace from the deaths, losses and disappointments I encountered over the years. The loss of John's grandparents. The loss my grandmother. Multiple pregnancy losses. Watching the struggles of friends, family and neighbors as they fought life's battles. The degradation of human dignity is not softened by old age, nor by death's swiftness, as I once thought. I don't believe we were meant for death or even suffering.

There are four weeks of advent: the week of hope, the week of peace and love, the week of joy , the week of remembering God upholds his promises. This year, while on bed rest, I have clung to advent. I remember that the neither death nor struggle can conquer me because of the faith I have in my God. This advent I cling to the belief that God is good, powerful, righteous and just. I pray that belief is not shaken by the outcomes of this pregnancy or by Darren's long term health. Rather, I pray God's character is revealed through a focus on the blessings rather than the struggle. I want to throw the fetters of pessimism and negativity. I want to see the goodness in the world around me - even doctors I don't trust.

I cherish the events and traditions we have started to take the focus off of the things found under the tree. Christmas is richer than that. It is a time for hope, joy, compassion, peace, love, optimism, faith, spirituality and reflection. Still there should be fun. And I still delight in old school candy canes, glasses of eggnog, steamy cups of hot chocolate after a snowball fight, mad dashes down the hill on a sled, the sound of skates on ice.

Snuggles Rock

What a nice to thing to see Seth and Cora today - I got a whole hour to snuggle Cora when John took Seth out for some bed rest errands (aka books and some comfortable lounge pants). Let me tell you - snuggles rock. They melt away all the drear of the day. So make sure you all snuggle your kids today, or your husbands, or both. Touch is such a wonderful thing.

The kids thought my room was little "hospitally", so we made some snowflakes and hung some window stickers and even a small pack of lights for the window that were given to us by the cleaning staff. Now it seems a little cheerier. Seth enjoyed jello and watched a bit of skiing on TV. Cora mentioned she thought that when we get to take Darren home we should strap him to the roof of the car so he can have some fresh air ... fresh air will make him stay healthy.

But just seeing John was the best of all. Not even saying anything, just letting our eyes meet and linger. I love that man.

And so I am grateful that we were blessed with tolerable weather so they could come. And I count the days until they come again.

A Shower Makes the World Brighter

When the world seems bleak, take a shower. I was awarded my first shower, complete with a geriatric stool, and it was glorious. My contractions have slowed and I am biding time. After being gooped up for two days, a shower is refreshing, invigorating, lovely. I relaxed, and had drastic mood improvement.

The last two days were wrought with big news and lots of stress. My hopes of being back at Dartmouth-Hitchcock were squashed. Apparently they closed their NICU due to an anitbiotic resistant bacterial infection and they won't be open again for weeks at best. Thank goodness I did not squeak in there with a little premie! I just missed it! I knew God was good.

The food is way better here. That is not to say that I wouldn't accept a double order of fresh Thai spring rolls and an order of drunken noodles (sometimes called spicey noodles) from a visitor - there is a great Thai place on Church St.

And I do have to say that a hospital bed is way more comfortable than a sofa for long term lounging. Maybe I should consider new living room decor.

Off for yet another ultrasound and then I will quilt when I get back. I am still hopeful of finishing my anniversary quilt before the 29th. We'll see!

Arrested and Doing Time

I am 24.5 weeks along in my pregnancy.

I was arrested.

Charge: dangerously incompetent cervix.

Found guilty.

Sentence: solitary confinement at Fletcher Allen Hospital in Burlington, VT - 2 hours from Canaan.

Length of time to serve: from now until I have my baby.

At my appointment yesterday, our fears of not being able to come home were realized. During my routine weekly visit they found my cervix funneled open still further and is only 0.6 cm long. I was having contractions. Normally, Dartmouth-Hitchcock is the hospital people are transfered to instead of from, but true to form, things never go my way. They had a bed for me, but the NICU beds were all full, so they transfered me to Fletcher Allen in case I deliver. Hopefully I'll be back at Dartmouth-Hitchock before Christmas. They are hoping a NICU bed will open up there so I can be closer to my family and with my established doctors there.

Darren is completely healthy and fine. He measured out to be 1lb 11 oz (7oth percentile!) last night. He is vivacious and kicking a ton. Unfortunately, there is no way to measure his lung development. At this point every day in the (very slow) slow cooker counts.

The hospital food begins. I couldn't cut my chicken last night. It was too rubbery. I literally had difficulty stabbing it with my fork and the knife was useless. But the mashed potatoes were real and the overly roasted veggies were passable.

I am a gooped up pin cushion. I am gooped from the 3 ultrasounds, the babies heart-rate monitor and the contraction monitor. I am a pin cushion from all the shots and IVs they have given me.

And so the plot has thickened.

I feel like Edmond Dantes and am glad this will last (hopefully) 14 weeks and not 14 years. I imagine I have a stone to carve the wall: "God will give me justice".

In all honesty, I have often feel smote by God. (Did you know that the past tense of smite is smote? I just learned that a few minutes ago.) But, for the moment at least, I don't ..... even though I would like to feel angry, I don't. I just feel terribly alone. So God, if you are reading this blog, I wouldn't mind if you showed up here right now.

Good Old Bob at J&B Auto

There are few things I miss from Minneapolis aside from people (most of whom are no longer there) and good restaurants. I love living in a small town and I am grateful I made the effort to integrate into the community for so many reasons. My children have been loved here. The librarians know my library number by heart. John Dow greets my kids by name at the Hardware store. People wave and stop to talk to you in town. They remind my kids to stay away from the street when I'm not looking. Janet and Bub joke around with my kids at the Center Store. Aaron and Dave honk their horns and wave hello every time they pass the house and we are outside. My neighbors are neighborly (in a good way).

Today I am glad for good old Bob of J&B Auto in Enfield. Bob poured the concrete for the foundation of the addition and did a great and reasonably priced job. He once saw me taking the wall jacks off the side of the house by myself and stopped to help me. He owns J&B Auto and is a good neighbor to have.

I was born in November, and in NH that means you need to get your car inspected and registered. I sent my mother-in-law to do the job six days late. I also needed new tires, and an oil change. The inspection and oil change were done promptly. When the tires didn't get delivered to the shop in time for her to leave to pick up Seth from school (Cora is throwing up), good old Bob said he'd settle up the account with John or I and that my South Dakotan mother-in-law didn't need to worry about it. I ask you, would that happen in Minneapolis? And would you get asked if you or John need anything on the phone - from the auto shop guy? Man, I love this town.

Being on bed rest has deepened my convictions about focusing outward, serving and being a part of my geographical and church communities. I hope John and I can contribute to the lives of the people around us. I want to expresses our love for the people around us in a (continuous) way.

So make sure to go to J&B Auto. Or you can call him if you need concrete work done. Bob is very fair and honest.

Darren Saves the Day

Today is the second Sunday of advent and all of my family went to church leaving me in the comfort of my bed, all snuggled up in my fleece sheets to finish the Count of Monte Cristo and to read all of Daddy Long Legs for the millionth time in my life.

Fifteen minutes after the service started at church I was imagining all of my friends and family; in my mind they were all smiley and warm and singing peaceful Christmas Carols. My house seemed heavy with silence. It oozed loneliness. It dripped in solitude.

And just when I was about to feel really and truly sorry for myself, Darren started kicking with a vengeance as if to say "hey, Mama, what am I chopped liver?" I smiled in spite of myself, patted my now bulging belly and said allowed "yeah, your right kiddo. We're in this together, aren't we?"

Then, I drifted into a deep, and definitely unneeded nap.

My Memorable Bed Rest

Well, I have completed three weeks of complete bed rest. And there are lots of things I will remember about it. Of course there is the usual discomfort and anxiety and boredom that will be ever etched in my mind. But I imagine that my children will have different memories of it than John or I will.

After two and half weeks of laying down, the moon was full and I had not been out side for all that time except to go to my doctors appointments. For me, this is amazing. I don't think I have ever stayed inside for so long, and it was killing me. John very graciously offered to put me in the car and drive the mile up the street to where the moon would rise over the far side of Canaan St. Lake like a great Christmas ball in the inky sky. Cora will probably remember that I was disobeying orders. "Don't worry, Mama, I won't tell the doctors you are being VERY naughty." But I will remember the quietness in the truck as we sat all toasty warm and watched the moon in awe. I will remember the moment Seth silently watched the path the moon etched on the lake and quietly whispered "Look at the moon path. It is painted with millions of dancing stars."

I will remember my dear friends who came over for Thanksgiving bringing a delicious turkey. And I will remember the rare moment of being able to sit quietly talking, Jon, Lara, John and I. Our children were all outside and I will remember wishing I were out side too. When the seven kids came inside, they looked rosey cheeked and winded as they informed us that they cut down some trees. If I had been outside, would the children remember this as the year they all took out the hatchet and saw and cut down some trees in the woods? Probably not. It is good they could have a moment to romp outside unfettered to just be wild and free. And it is good no one got hurt in the process.

Seth may remember bed rest as the time that he and Ben went outside with the hoe and smashed the pumpkin to death in the front yard. He'll probably remember it with the glory of orange, gooey bits flying through the air in slow motion. Maybe he'll remember the sheer joy of monster mashing it with seeds splatting on the porch steps. He might even remember it all to "Chariots of Fire" in his head. I, on the other hand, will remember bed rest as the time Seth went crazy and made a huge mess in the yard that I couldn't clean up. How very Tom Sawyer of him. How embarrassing.

I will remember the countless hours of drivel spent on the coach. But Cora will remember that it was the time when I let her sleep in my arms instead of on her bed. She'll remember taking the back sofa cushions off to make a nice nest for herself where we could snuggle under the "soft" blanket with a toasty rice sock, all warm and safe.

John may remember this time full of angst, but it will be softened by knowing it was the year I made enough homemade ornaments to finally start decorating the back of the Christmas tree.

I'll remember it as the year I missed advent at church with my friends, but it will also be the time that I came to realize there is good even in the most mundane activities.